In case you weren’t paying close attention, on Monday the president finally addressed our National Straw Crisis. In an executive order he announced:

By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, it is hereby ordered:

Section 1. Policy. An irrational campaign against plastic straws has resulted in major cities, States, and businesses banning the use or automatic inclusion of plastic straws with beverages. Plastic straws are often replaced by paper straws, which are nonfunctional, use chemicals that may carry risks to human health, are more expensive to produce than plastic straws, and often force users to use multiple straws. Additionally, paper straws sometimes come individually wrapped in plastic, undermining the environmental argument for their use.

It is therefore the policy of the United States to end the use of paper straws.

Oh, thank God! Eakinomics was afraid he was spending his time drawing up Social Security reforms, or Medicare reforms, or otherwise addressing the dire fiscal situation. That would be such a waste. THIS is important.

But that is not all:

Within 45 days of the date of this order, the Assistant to the President for Domestic Policy, in coordination with relevant agencies, shall issue a National Strategy to End the Use of Paper Straws. This strategy shall address:

(i) The elimination of all policies within the executive branch designed to disfavor plastic straws;

(ii) Contract policies and terms with entities, including States, that ban or penalize plastic straw purchase or use; and

(iii) All other available tools to achieve the policy of this order nationwide.

That’s right. He’s not just focusing the attention of POTUS on this problem; he is bringing the full policy weight of the White House to bear on the Crisis. With the highly trained and experienced Assistant to the President for Domestic Policy – head of the Domestic Policy Council – on the job, we can all relax and enjoy our milkshakes.

With the Crisis now in the rearview mirror, the nation can turn to other pressing issues like ELIMINATING THE FEDERAL EXECUTIVE INSTITUTE. Oh, wait, he already did that.

Big sigh of relief.